I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
