Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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