I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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