Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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