Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
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