you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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