We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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