I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
