First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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