y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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