he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
