I think I died a long time ago.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
