I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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