I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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