My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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