The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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