you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
