I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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