YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
