Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
