I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
birth control should be required to get into college
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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