I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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