Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You have to summon your inner elephant
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
