I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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