I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
