When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
