Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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