Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
They have beer where we have blood.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
