Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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