i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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