just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
