They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
