I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
