made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pants are for mortals
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
