My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
