You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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