Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
