Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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