You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
