Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He? As in you personified your dick?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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