seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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