this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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