allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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