it was like his penis was on wheels.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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