remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
