??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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