Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize