Got a toothbrush?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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