My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just threw up on my dentist
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
