i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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