Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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