so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
