You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
