Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
