It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
