I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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