my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
