You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
