my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
