I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
