it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize