i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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