I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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