I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
