I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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