nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
