Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
babies were throwing up all over the place
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
