i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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