six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
