I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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