Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
