I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
