$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
